Navigating Approval Stigma: A Personal Journey to Independence
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Chapter 1: The Weight of Expectations
Have you ever felt compelled to follow directions without question? Do you seek validation from others before making decisions? Reflecting on childhood behavior, were you the compliant type or the rebellious one? If you were more of the former—an obedient child who adhered to the belief that “children should be seen and not heard”—this may resonate deeply with you. I have spent much of my life grappling with what I term “approval stigma.”
This block of text illustrates the struggle with approval stigma and its repercussions on decision-making.
Section 1.1: Understanding Approval Stigma
Approval stigma, as I define it, is a behavior pattern that emerged in my early years, rooted in the need for my adoptive mother's approval before making choices. This ranged from trivial decisions, like how to slice a piece of cheese, to significant ones, such as whether to buy a house with an extra bedroom.
Subsection 1.1.1: The Fear of Disappointment
Section 1.2: Living Under Constant Scrutiny
This does not stem from simple indecision or the constant need for verbal affirmation. It started because my adoptive mother made it abundantly clear that following her directives was non-negotiable. I was to comply, remaining silent about my thoughts and feelings. Resistance was not an option.
Chapter 2: The Ripple Effects of Approval Stigma
The first video titled "Arctic Monkeys 'Whatever People Say I Am...' | Essentials April 2018 | Vinyl Me, Please" explores themes of identity and societal expectations, paralleling my experiences with approval stigma.
The second video, "Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am That (Full Album)," delves into the complexities of self-perception and external validation, further illuminating the struggle I faced.
Section 2.1: The Burden of Perceived Disapproval
Growing up, my adoptive mother's constant presence and negativity shaped my understanding of self-worth. The fear of disappointing her became a powerful motivator, more so than any physical punishment could have been. The thought of being labeled as “wrong” or “disappointing” was enough to paralyze me.
Section 2.2: Adult Life and the Legacy of Approval
Despite leading a life that hasn't been entirely catastrophic—alcoholism notwithstanding—I have lived with a persistent anxiety about others’ opinions. As an only child, I lacked the perspective that might have come from observing sibling dynamics.
Is this upbringing typical? Are children often raised in environments where their choices are dictated by guilt and fear? Perhaps this upbringing stunted my ability to make independent decisions, as long as I received approval, I felt validated.
The role of alcohol in my life further complicated matters. It became a means of escaping the pressure of decision-making, creating a false sense of control. Even when I distanced myself geographically to avoid disappointment, the shadow of disapproval lingered.
Section 2.3: The Challenge of Relationships
This approval stigma extended beyond my family, impacting my interactions with partners and colleagues. It is painful to confront the consistency of my behavior across various relationships, with the common denominator being my own insecurities.
While it may seem natural to accept such behavior, it doesn’t mean it’s right. Countless hours have been wasted worrying whether my choices would be met with approval. This pattern has fueled self-doubt and inertia in my life. Coupled with alcohol, it became all too easy to choose inaction over action.
The alternative, rebellion, often proved more appealing. However, this too resulted in disapproval, often accompanied by the silent judgment of my disapprovers. The cycle of guilt over trivial decisions consumed me, further entrenching my need for external validation.
Section 2.4: Breaking Free from the Cycle
Today, I find that the behaviors instilled by my adoptive mother have less power over me. As I have grown to reject the idea of seeking approval from those I have come to dislike, I still grapple with worries about how my actions might affect others.
Moreover, childhood bullying has added another layer of complexity to my interactions, making even the simplest confrontations daunting.
Finally, discussing these issues has, in itself, become a source of anxiety due to the fear of judgment. But therapy has become a refuge—a space where I am not judged, only heard.
Breaking away from my adoptive mother’s influence has marked a significant turning point in my life, especially as I commit to sobriety.
As I navigate this journey, I wonder if I am simply indecisive. What are your thoughts?
(A note on the subtitle: It references the motto of a well-known 70s band that has become a mantra for my rebellion against control. Kudos to those who recognize it!)
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