Understanding True Friendship: What It Is and Isn’t
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Chapter 1: Defining Friendship
I have a clear sense of what friendship does not entail.
If a relationship shreds your self-worth, opens wounds, and leaves you feeling stitched up with a sarcastic "thank you" afterward, it is not true friendship. Similarly, if love requires you to twist and turn yourself to fit into spaces that were never meant for you, just to feel a hint of its warmth, it is not genuine.
When you find yourself questioning the authenticity of a bond, it's likely that it lacks the nurturing quality needed to satisfy your innate desire for a non-contractual connection. A true, lasting commitment will not vanish at the first sign of conflict, disrupting the ease of your companionship. If something feels off, it probably is.
I've been navigating friendships since the early 90s. I can observe someone long enough to learn how to cater to their ego and position myself as a confidant. Those who felt rejected as children often end up manipulating their relationships to avoid feeling disposable.
I have mastered the art of being useful—not as a talent, but as a coping mechanism stemming from feelings of invisibility and helplessness. When I place myself in roles of service, people flock to me as if I were a mirage in the desert. It’s gratifying... until I find myself parched.
Being a friend does not guarantee friendships in return; it often becomes a job with no security. Love does not automatically flow to you when you need it the most. If the foundation of a friendship is convenience, it will not stand the test of time. Relationships built merely to combat loneliness lack sustainability.
Healthy friendships are a rarity; they require the steadfast affection and understanding that many people are too preoccupied to provide. Most are caught up in envy, stress, and their own struggles for happiness.
I know I am in a loving relationship when I am not expected to provide services just to enjoy someone’s company. Some roles that superficial friends often expect include:
Section 1.1: The Faux Friend Roles
Pro Bono Therapist: We've all been there. Being a good listener is commendable until someone manipulates you into hearing the same complaints repeatedly, with no intention of making changes. They simply seek opportunities to vent.
Faux Mom: Some friends wish for nurturing relationships akin to a maternal figure to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. This may initially seem like an honorable role, but if you are the same age and the support isn’t mutual, it creates an imbalanced dynamic.
Personal Assistant: Initially, the favors seem manageable. However, over time, you might find yourself babysitting their children, picking up meals, or being their emergency contact. They plan to use your availability until you are too exhausted to continue, leading to the friendship's demise.
“Yes” Man: When that one friend calls, needing reassurance that his decisions aren’t disastrous, you must always be ready to boost his ego and convince him that he is right.
Wing Woman: Being a supportive friend means being there for all the major events—weddings, trips, dinners, and baby showers—even if it means going broke. However, these friends may rarely reciprocate.
In times like these, genuine companionship provides a valuable chance to share experiences and heal with those willing to show up for each other. Not everyone who appears at your door when you seek community is authentic.
I spent years surrounded by people yet felt utterly alone. I had to sever ties with relationships that allowed me easy access to my past, a past where I avoided taking charge of my own happiness or truly getting to know myself.
Once I cut off those shortcuts back to my unhealthy habits, I took the time to confront my dependencies. I understood that many of the so-called friendships I had were merely codependent agreements.
Love is what keeps me grounded now. Being open to love is one of the many rewards of healing and self-acceptance. I have learned to appreciate a mutual and nurturing friendship.
I only recognized what friendship truly is after I accepted what it is not.
Chapter 2: Reflecting on Your Role in Relationships
Have you ever found yourself playing a specific role in someone else's life just to maintain a friendship or to keep the peace in a strained relationship?