Exploring the Impact of Parental Influence on Our Lives
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Understanding Our Roots
My upbringing was distinctive, largely because my father was absent for nearly half of my childhood due to his deployments in various conflicts across Europe and the Middle East. Although I was often asked if it was challenging, I never perceived it that way. It wasn't that I didn't miss him; it was simply the norm for me.
Dad served as a Navy SEAL, often referred to as "quiet warriors," which aptly describes their nature—reserved and secretive about their missions. This aspect of his life became a recurring topic during my childhood. On playgrounds, I faced countless silly inquiries about my father's supposed exploits, and I was frequently asked if I would follow in his footsteps into the military (a question I still encounter today). However, I never felt drawn to a military career, ultimately choosing to pursue a path as a writer.
In society, there's a prevalent concern when children don't mirror their parents, as similarity is often seen as a marker of successful upbringing—a reflection of parental influence. This raises essential questions: How closely do we resemble our parents? Should the goal of parenting be to create miniatures of ourselves? Science and personal experiences may offer some insights.
The Science of Parental Influence
Psychology professor Anat Bardi from the University of London conducted a study analyzing the alignment of children's values with those of their parents, focusing on 418 families from Switzerland and Germany. The findings indicated that children raised by parents who emphasized self-transcendence—caring for and helping others—tended to adopt similar values more than those whose parents prioritized achievement and power. Interestingly, the researchers noted that selfishness is less likely to be passed on than other values.
They discovered that some "power parents" often fail to embody the principles they preach, thereby limiting their children's ability to transcend. This echoes the parenting adage I've always found troubling: "Do as I say, not as I do."
It's crucial to recognize that these studies do not provide definitive answers about everyone's upbringing. I know many children of accomplished parents who instilled a strong work ethic and a drive for success in healthy ways. Each family presents a unique narrative, shaped by its own challenges and advantages.
For example, my grandfather faced extreme poverty during the Great Depression. He was often overly strict with my mother and uncle, viewing this country as a land of opportunity and wanting them to avoid poverty at all costs. His approach was similar to that of many first-generation immigrants, instilling a robust work ethic while causing friction within the family.
Moreover, if parents want their children to inherit their best qualities, research suggests that fostering pro-social behaviors—such as kindness, charity, and encouragement—is often a hallmark of effective parenting, strengthening the parent-child bond and facilitating the transfer of other desirable values.
Embracing Individuality
Even if you find yourself vastly different from your parents, it doesn't preclude the possibility of mutual respect and affection. I enjoy a wonderful relationship with my parents, who appreciate my decision to forge my own path without external assistance. Individuality can be a valid expression of love and success.
The reality is that parents do not wield complete control over their children's destinies. The teachers and schools we encounter significantly shape our development. For instance, although my parents hold conservative values, the liberal-oriented schools I attended instilled environmental awareness—celebrating Earth Day and promoting cleanliness—which likely contributed to my divergence from their beliefs.
A study from the University of Hamburg highlighted the significant impact of feedback and labels from teachers and peers on a child's personality development, social skills, and impulse control. This leads to the Pygmalion effect, where the expectations placed on a child often manifest in their behavior. Treating a child as inherently dishonest may lead to them embodying that very trait.
The time spent with parents also plays a crucial role in the transfer of personality traits. Traditionally, mothers have been the primary caregivers, although this dynamic has shifted with the rise of stay-at-home fathers. I spent about 80% of my time with my mother, a musician and artist, which may have influenced my inclination to write. Would my personality be different if I had spent that time with my father? It's hard to say, but it's common to see reflections of our parents in ourselves.
The Bigger Picture
According to psychologist Dr. Assael Romanelli, we inherit behavioral patterns that transcend these variables. Within the family unit, we observe how to resolve conflicts, express emotions, and manage stress—lessons that shape our identities.
Years ago, I had the chance to meet my then-spouse's brother. Having spent considerable time with her parents, I was astonished to see how closely his mannerisms mirrored his father's—his gestures, pauses, and tone of voice all reflected that familial influence, even in a thirty-year-old man.
Fortunately, we possess the ability to alter these inherited scripts if we wish to prevent our children from adopting toxic traits passed down through generations. If you want to avoid raising children in toxic relationships, refrain from modeling such behaviors in front of them. If you wish for your children to communicate calmly, practice that in your interactions.
This concept may seem painfully simple, yet many overlook it. I have witnessed friends repeat their parents' patterns, often with negative outcomes.
Breaking the Cycle
Regardless of how distinct we appear from our parents, there will always be overlapping traits that persist. Despite our differences, I still exhibit my father's assertiveness and forgetfulness, as well as a tendency to prioritize exercise.
As adult children, it is our responsibility to reflect on the values and behaviors we have subconsciously inherited and determine which ones we wish to retain. At the same time, parents should strive to embody the values they wish to instill in their children.
One of my childhood friends, James, had parents who exemplified the gap identified by Dr. Bardi regarding ambition. They would scold him to study and work hard while lounging on the couch, watching TV, and smoking cigarettes. Ultimately, their contradictory behavior backfired, leading James to reject their lessons.
In the end, it is our responsibility to shape our identities and destinies. The saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" can undermine our agency. While parents contribute to our development, it is up to us to decide whether to draw closer to or further away from that tree.
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The first video titled "Are You Doomed to Turn into Your Parents?" explores the notion of whether we are destined to inherit our parents' traits and behaviors, and how understanding this can help us navigate our own identities.
The second video titled "Do We Inherit Our Parents' Fears?" delves into the concept of whether our fears and anxieties are passed down from generation to generation, shedding light on the psychological aspects of parental influence.