Section 1.1: A Personal Revelation

I used to think I’d be able to tell if I ever drank too much water. I imagined that if I overindulged, I would start leaking from various parts of my body. Instead, I just felt excessively soggy, like a sponge that had soaked up too much water.

You might think I’m inconsiderate, especially given the ongoing water crisis. California's diverting water from the Colorado River, and even Mark Walberg had to switch off his waterfall to charm his mermaids. Not to mention, an alligator left its parched stream to paddle in Toni Crowe’s pool!

What kind of person would drown at her desk while being aware of the world's water scarcity? Ironically, that was my wish for an exit. My grandfather once expressed a desire to pass away peacefully in his sleep, while I proclaimed I wanted to drown at work.

Pee Paw looked at me as if I were a cup short of a gallon. I insisted that I wasn’t the only one fixated on staying hydrated; just take a look around!

Or rather, swim around. It seems like everyone has as many reusable water bottles as they do coffee mugs. Families even invest in extra fridges just to stash their water bottles—nothing else!

Section 1.2: The Evolution of Hydration

Humans weren’t always this fixated on hydration. Between ages six and twenty-five, I was fine with just six glasses of water daily. Then came the so-called "Manchurian Hydrate," a covert brainwashing initiative that convinced us we were always parched.

I remember the day it started. I was going about my business, feeling perfectly fine, until I watched "Flashdance." That film sparked the beginning of Project Manchurian Hydrate, and suddenly, we all felt an insatiable thirst while watching that self-absorbed dancer waste water just to look appealing.

After the movie, Americans flocked to drugstores to stock up on what had previously flowed freely from our taps. I found myself drinking so much water that I had to replace my Pottery Barn chair with a Kohler toilet. It was a cycle of drinking and peeing, over and over.

Then, water became a status symbol. Drinking Evian and Fiji made you superior to your neighbors, while Poland Springs indicated you were financially struggling. Aquafina suggested you were risk-averse and likely to never complete your vision board. When Smartwater emerged, I initially dismissed it as silly, yet I bought into everything else.

We seemed too refined for tap water. Big Water told us we needed two bottles daily, then upped it to eight. They claimed our plastic bottles were harming marine life. The pressure to stay hydrated became overwhelming.

I even knew someone wealthy enough to hire someone just to drink her water for her! With a busy life full of family, work, and travel, who had the time to hydrate?

Section 1.3: The Consequences of Overhydration

Hydration experts insisted we keep our reusable bottles full at all times. I carried around a 128 oz. Yeti Rambler because I was perpetually thirsty. Doctors warned us that more water was necessary to flush out toxins, while beauty gurus claimed excess water would keep us youthful. The water industry marketed it like illicit substances.

You see where this leads? You’re reading my obituary.

My water delivery person found me slumped over next to an empty 16-gallon jug. Initially, she thought I was just taking a nap until she realized I was floating.

How can I possibly be sharing this from my watery grave, you ask? I managed to come back to life after peeing a lot. Had I only released a little, I’d still be gone. It was almost miraculous. Thank goodness for my tiny bladder!

When I passed on, I found myself in heaven. While St. Peter was showing me around, I couldn't stop peeing. He glanced at me and said, "That’s gross, but you get to go back now."

As I rode the escalator back to Earth, St. Peter called out, "Hey!" I turned, puzzled.

"Listen, kiddo," he said, "When you return, jump on a trampoline. If you end up peeing your pants, you’ve had too much water."

Wouldn’t it be better to just laugh about it? Follow Amy Sea and MuddyUm.

Thanks to T. Kent Jones and Betsy Denson for editing! You both rock!