Chapter 1: The Illusion of Savings

In a world where salespeople are pushing products with such fervor, one might think they had undergone special training under renowned nutritionist Tom Brady. Solar panel vendors have faced criticism for promoting financial loans disguised as subpar technology. China has characterized this sales approach as a clever strategy that has pushed Sri Lanka towards bankruptcy.

The key difference lies in the fact that American homeowners have been led to believe that these solar panels would significantly reduce their energy expenses in aging houses. In contrast, Sri Lanka made a misstep by investing in an unneeded shipping port in a low-traffic area like Hanbantota. But don’t worry, Sri Lanka; there’s still hope! Just inflate your asset value and find some unsuspecting investor, perhaps someone like Kevin O’Leary from New York.

Homeowners signed contracts under the impression that they were acquiring solar panels with minimal upfront costs. Little did they know, solar sales representatives had ensnared them into 25-year loans, replete with high interest rates and concealed fees. TurboTax even labeled these dubious tactics as part of their “free edition tier.”

As customers found themselves paying ten times their usual electricity bills to cover solar panel loans, many began to default and take legal action against solar companies for misleading sales practices. One notable case involved retired senior Mary Anne Jones, who sued Solgen Power and loan provider Goodleap for inflating their asset valuations akin to Donald Trump’s post-McDonald's visit.

We reached out to Solgen Power’s CEO, Chris Lee, to ask how he was attracting investors while not turning a profit from solar panels. He chuckled in response.

“It’s true; we don’t make money from solar panels. They’re largely ineffective on a grand scale. Even the more efficient ones are too small to generate substantial profits. If we wanted to waste money on technology, we might as well invest in Twitter.”

Lee explained that their profits primarily stem from asset-backed securities. By getting customers to agree to outrageous loans, they can showcase a steady growth rate to entice further investors. “We’re just a few multimillion-dollar transactions away from facing scrutiny from Letitia James.”

Additionally, their supposed “proof” of customer growth allowed them to qualify for a 30% tax credit under the Inflation Reduction Act, which they then sold to large companies with massive profits. Google quickly snapped up their phony products, eager to find new, extravagant tech projects to squander their money on.

We inquired about the potential fallout should customers default on their loans, reminiscent of the 2008 mortgage crisis.

“They won’t. Our customers are locked into 25-year loans, fully aware that solar panels only last for that duration. This timeframe is sufficient for them to pay off a piece of outdated tech. We call these loans NINJA loans due to their stealthy nature.”

Lee assured us that the solar industry wouldn’t crumble as quickly as the Francis Scott Key Bridge. “We ensured it wasn’t built upon Andrew Tate’s inflated ego.”

However, by 2024, the financing treadmill came to a halt as rising interest rates led to increased defaults and investors retreating. Word of mouth and legal actions dwindled customer interest more rapidly than Kristie Noem could sink a village in Animal Crossing.

We probed Lee about what lessons he had taken from the 2008 housing bubble.

“Of course, we learned from it! Banks went under due to defaulted loans but bounced back thanks to government bailouts. Solar City ran out of funds in 2016 but managed to recover by finding a billionaire like Elon Musk to buy them out.”

Lee’s eyes suddenly sparkled with an idea.

“What if we marketed solar panels as the next Bitcoin? After all, neither serves any useful purpose with blockchain technology. We can toss around buzzwords to inflate a bubble, and then sell solar panels when prices peak. It’ll be a repeat of tulip mania! And if a new pandemic hits, we can pitch these panels as durable toilet paper.”

“We produce nothing of real value and just hope others will pay a premium for a worthless asset. This resembles a Ponzi scheme just like some cryptocurrencies, but at least the latter is legal! So, why should our industry be any different?”

Lee returned to his board in Salt Lake City to propose marketing solar panels as the first tangible form of deregulated tokens since Sam Bankman-Fried promoted firearms at FTX.

Chapter 2: The Future of Solar Marketing

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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